Newt Love: Responses to Critics

The most famous person nobody has heard of.

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Newt Love: Responses to Critics

5 Mar 2007
My funny bone twanged, and I wrote a set of replies to critics or reviewers who hate my book(s):

I'm sorry. The sound of your mind closing distracted me from your comments.
I guess we won't be discussing my book over drinks later then?
Did you skip seeing your therapist this week?
Do you have me confused with your ex-wife?
Your review was witty, biting, and visceral, but was it about my book?
I like your reviews. You don't use big words.
Do you need soap and water to clean your glasses?
Your prejudices must be such a help! You know what you think of a book before you've read it.
Was it good for you, too?
Anybody have any matches to light to clear the air?
It's amazing how much you and my ex-wife agree. Are you dating her?
It's a good thing you and I are such close friends, otherwise I might be offended.
Did you forget that book reviews are supposed to be more than ad hominem remarks?
Your review was so thorough, I canceled my annual proctologist's exam.
It's nice to know that I can count on you when I need a kind word.
I guess dating your sister is out.
For your birthday, I'm getting you a new tongue sharpening stone.
I thought your Tourette syndrome was under control.